I’ve always been the person that people spill their guts to. I don’t know what it is about me but even total strangers feel the need to fill me in on the latest gossip. Most of the time I don’t mind being that person, even I need to get things off my chest sometimes. To be honest most of the time I just tuck it neatly away in my memory bank most likely to be forgotten. Why do these strangers feel the need to tell me their life story, I’ll never know. But every once in a while, when you really listen, you can figure out who’s real and who’s not.
What is a Friend?
Friendship in my opinion should be without strings attached. At the same time, how do you maintain a friendship unless its give and take? Another question to ponder, what if you feel that the friendship is more take than give and at what point do you put your foot down? These are all questions on my mind lately.
I’m naturally a very kind and gentle person; don’t get me wrong I can get feisty when I need too, but for the most part I try to do whatever I can for my friends. A lot of the time I feel like I’m taken advantage of because I’m such a nice person. I just don’t like saying no to people.
Do you know that feeling of being pulled from every direction and that emotionally exhausted feeling you get? Well, that’s been my day to day since I’ve started rooming with my friend. I love her to death but I’m constantly pulled into her drama and always being asked to do things for her even though she’s perfectly able.
I’m not sure how to handle the situation, all I know is I’m tired. I can’t even muster up the energy to make this post grammatically correct or composed but I needed to get this off my chest before I explode. I want for once to be able to have a friend and just relax and chill and be listened to.
Maybe one day I’ll have that. Its just not looking like today’s my day and it makes me really, really sad.
Dear Facebook Friends
Dear Facebook Friends…
Hi, I’m Melissa, or if you’ve ever talked to me for longer than five minutes, you might know that I prefer to be called Missy. Some of you may know me from school or have crossed my path at some point in time. Some of you are family that I never really got a chance to know. Some of you have known me most of my life. No matter which category you fall in, please keep reading, I have something I want to tell you.
I’m messed up and I’ve messed up. I’m not looking for pity. If you crumple up this virtual letter I’ve placed in your hand, then, I will have my answer. But if you read it and you really understand, then, I will know that too.
I’ve let people use me, lie to me and destroy the very core of who I used to be. Imagine being brainwashed into thinking everything about you is wrong and you could never aspire to be good enough. Picture being told that your normal bubbly attitude is labeled as flirting therefore forcing you to distance yourself from everyone. For so long I had to kill who I really was just to please someone else. Not anymore!
I’m trying day by day to be the person I was before I let that one person changed my life forever. One day I won’t have to constantly worry and stress about everything I say or do. Maybe someday soon I’ll be able to hit up a friend when I’m bored or need someone to talk to. I didn’t expect it to take this long.
So, this brings me to what I wanted to tell you. If we’re friends, or you’ve ever considered yourself my friend, I need you. I try so hard to reconnect but 6 years of being forced to go ghost on everybody I ever loved, and feeling like I’ve messed up to bad to fix it, makes it hard to just pop in for a chit chat. I want to talk to so many people I see on my timeline. I miss so many of the people I used to be close to. Is it too late?
I have only one request. If you don’t want me in your life, or you never want me to talk to again, just click on my name and hit the unfriend button. I wouldn’t be mad, I just want to know where I stand. But if there’s a chance you forgive me, and/or if you’re willing to be patient with me, I know that we could be great friends. I’ll be awkward and need some reassurance that you still love me but I’ll get there.
I hesitate to add that most of my Facebook friends won’t read this letter but in this instance it really seems to fit. But if you did take time out of your day to learn just a little more about me, thank you! Writing this wasn’t easy and I’m sure hitting post will be even harder. I’m trying! I’ll get there. But I need to know I have you there.
Sincerely, Broken Inside
[Acceptance] What Would Jesus Do? (Daily Prompt)
My Definition
Acceptance to me is simply choosing to love or show love to someone even if what they believe doesn’t line up with what I believe. It sickens me when I see people who claim to be Christians, or who are very ignorant Christians, holding up signs saying things like ‘God hates fags’ or ‘your going to hell if you have an abortion.’ I don’t understand how someone who can claim to know the love of Christ and yet treat people with such hate.
What Jesus Said
15 Now it happened, as He was dining inLevi’s house, that many tax collectors and sinners also sat together with Jesus and His disciples; for there were many, and they followed Him. 16 And when the scribes and Pharisees saw Him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, they said to His disciples, “How is it that He eats and drinks with tax collectors and sinners?”
17 When Jesus heard it, He said to them,“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.” (Mark 2)
Conclusion
Jesus showed love to people that were Sinning. The only times Jesus ever got confrontational was dealing with the people that thought they were better and holier than others: the hypocrites! In reality, we all have issues that we struggle with; whether it be some sexual sin, substance abuse, lying etc. Your issues may not be my issues but we all have something.
I’m not saying that you can never state your opinion on the matter. I’ve had people ask my thoughts about this or that and I will always tell it as I see it and what I believe to be true but in a kind and gentle Way. At the end of the conversation if they still disagree with me I will continue to be kind to them and keep showing them the same love that Jesus showed me when I was at my worst. Love is better than hate always and the world would be a better place if we could accept and love each other.
I Wish I Could Fear Not
The Bible tells us that we should fear not because God is with us. I wish so bad that it was an easy thing to accomplish. I struggle with it everyday because I’m a person that’s not fond of change or not knowing what’s going to happen.
Lately though I’ve been feeling my relationship of one and a half years changing and to be honest it scares me to death. He’s become less clingy and more content doing what he wants to do. We are both clingy people and warned each other of that from the start.
I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. Part of me doesn’t want to go on living if this is the end. But I know that no matter what God still loves me and wants me to be happy and healthy. Part of me wants this to all be a figment of my crazy imagination.
I’m trying to fear not, God is always with me. But I can’t help but struggle but with God’s help I’ll always survive, always recover and eventually flourish again, as always.
Words on a Page
I’ve always used writing as a way to unleash my feelings. There are times when I can only understand my thoughts when I see them in black and white. I regret not having written more often. I feel I need to make it a point to write more in this journal of mine, to really open up and maybe find those that relate to my way of thinking. To you they might just seem like words on a page but to me they are my very life.
Invisible
She’s that awkward girl in the corner, the one that doesn’t get noticed, who doesn’t really fit in. You wouldn’t know how much fear and doubt comes with every sentence she manages to speak. You couldn’t appreciate the courage she mustered up to simply just say hi. But you walk past her, not saying a word, or maybe just giving her a look of despise. She questions every move she makes so that she doesn’t impose on those around her. As if her mere presence was a headache to those around her.
She sits at home with a burdened heart questioning what she did wrong. She tries so hard to open up but keeps telling herself that no one cares. Who would want to find out more about her? After all, she’s just that awkward girl in the corner, the one not saying anything at all.
A Song For How I Feel Most Days
Manage me, I’m a mess
Turn a page, I’m a book
Half unread
I wanna be laughed at
Laughed with, just because
I wanna feel weightless
And that should be enough
But I’m stuck in this fucking rut
Waiting on a second hand pick me up
And I’m over, getting older
If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I’m over, getting old
Maybe it’s not my weekend
But it’s gonna be my year
And I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I’ve been going crazy I don’t want to waste another minute here
-Weightless- All Time Low-
Journal Of Missy 