Posted in Day to Day, Deep Sea, Relationships

What is a Friend?

Friendship in my opinion should be without strings attached. At the same time, how do you maintain a friendship unless its give and take? Another question to ponder, what if you feel that the friendship is more take than give and at what point do you put your foot down? These are all questions on my mind lately. 

I’m naturally a very kind and gentle person; don’t get me wrong I can get feisty when I need too, but for the most part I try to do whatever I can for my friends. A lot of the time I feel like I’m taken advantage of because I’m such a nice person. I just don’t like saying no to people.

Do you know that feeling of being pulled from every direction and that emotionally exhausted feeling you get? Well, that’s been my day to day since I’ve started rooming with my friend. I love her to death but I’m constantly pulled into her drama and always being asked to do things for her even though she’s perfectly able. 

I’m not sure how to handle the situation, all I know is I’m tired. I can’t even muster up the energy to make this post grammatically correct or composed but I needed to get this off my chest before I explode. I want for once to be able to have a friend and just relax and chill and be listened to. 

Maybe one day I’ll have that. Its just not looking like today’s my day and it makes me really, really sad. 

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Posted in Deep Sea, Relationships

Dear Facebook Friends

Dear Facebook Friends… 

Hi, I’m Melissa, or if you’ve ever talked to me for longer than five minutes, you might know that I prefer to be called Missy. Some of you may know me from school or have crossed my path at some point in time. Some of you are family that I never really got a chance to know. Some of you have known me most of my life. No matter which category you fall in, please keep reading, I have something I want to tell you.

I’m messed up and I’ve messed up. I’m not looking for pity. If you crumple up this virtual letter I’ve placed in your hand, then, I will have my answer. But if you read it and you really understand, then, I will know that too. 

I’ve let people use me, lie to me and destroy the very core of who I used to be. Imagine being brainwashed into thinking everything about you is wrong and you could never aspire to be good enough. Picture being told that your normal bubbly attitude is labeled as flirting therefore forcing you to distance yourself from everyone. For so long I had to kill who I really was just to please someone else. Not anymore!

I’m trying day by day to be the person I was before I let that one person changed my life forever. One day I won’t have to constantly worry and stress about everything I say or do. Maybe someday soon I’ll be able to hit up a friend when I’m bored or need someone to talk to. I didn’t expect it to take this long.

So, this brings me to what I wanted to tell you. If we’re friends, or you’ve ever considered yourself my friend, I need you. I try so hard to reconnect but 6 years of being forced to go ghost on everybody I ever loved, and feeling like I’ve messed up to bad to fix it, makes it hard to just pop in for a chit chat. I want to talk to so many people I see on my timeline. I miss so many of the people I used to be close to. Is it too late?

I have only one request. If you don’t want me in your life, or you never want me to talk to again, just click on my name and hit the unfriend button. I wouldn’t be mad, I just want to know where I stand. But if there’s a chance you forgive me, and/or if you’re willing to be patient with me, I know that we could be great friends. I’ll be awkward and need some reassurance that you still love me but I’ll get there. 

I hesitate to add that most of my Facebook friends won’t read this letter but in this instance it really seems to fit. But if you did take time out of your day to learn just a little more about me, thank you! Writing this wasn’t easy and I’m sure hitting post will be even harder. I’m trying! I’ll get there. But I need to know I have you there.

Sincerely, Broken Inside

Posted in Deep Sea

I Wish I Could Fear Not

The Bible tells us that we should fear not because God is with us. I wish so bad that it was an easy thing to accomplish. I struggle with it everyday because I’m a person that’s not fond of change or not knowing what’s going to happen. 

Lately though I’ve been feeling my relationship of one and a half years changing and to be honest it scares me to death. He’s become less clingy and more content doing what he wants to do. We are both clingy people and warned each other of that from the start.

I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. Part of me doesn’t want to go on living if this is the end. But I know that no matter what God still loves me and wants me to be happy and healthy. Part of me wants this to all be a figment of my crazy imagination. 

I’m trying to fear not,  God is always with me. But I can’t help but struggle but with God’s help I’ll always survive,  always recover and eventually flourish again,  as always. 

Posted in Deep Sea

Invisible

She’s that awkward girl in the corner, the one that doesn’t get noticed, who doesn’t really fit in. You wouldn’t know how much fear and doubt comes with every sentence she manages to speak. You couldn’t appreciate the courage she mustered up to simply just say hi. But you walk past her, not saying a word, or maybe just giving her a look of despise. She questions every move she makes so that she doesn’t impose on those around her. As if her mere presence was a headache to those around her.

She sits at home with a burdened heart questioning what she did wrong. She tries so hard to open up but keeps telling herself that no one cares. Who would want to find out more about her? After all, she’s just that awkward girl in the corner, the one not saying anything at all.